To Cry...To Laugh...

Do i deserve this? Did i bring it upon myself? I told someone whom might love me so much off yest..I guess this someone must be damm hurt. Anyway, i dun deserve to be love by him. I chose this path. To be back with him(sel).. I see a full stop in front of me.

He left me the last time cos he didn't wanna hurt me. Now, i'm back with him again. Yet so many things cross my mind everyday..We met just now...i wonder if we realli should meet. I knoe he's very nice to me and i know no matter how much i give, this r/s will still lead to no where. So why did i chose this path?

Maybe its wiser to end the whole thing now before things get out of hand and before i hate him.. There is no room for regret cos it was me who has chosen this path. There is no one to blame..Yet on the other side, i wanna him by my side for companionship. He's realli a great company..Maybe if we didn't cross the line. Things won't be as wat it is today. You(sel) told me that there are many better guys out there and i dun deserve this treatment at all.

Yes. I demand alot from the r/s. I know he's making an attempt to fulfil those demands to a certain extend. Yes. I'm very sticky and i'm an attention seeker. I realised this part of me when i'm with him. I didn't mean to..I know the consequences if i continue this "game". To cry or to laugh..Continuing the devil side will laugh so much...the angel will just bleed of crying. To let go, the angel will smile with joy but the devil will shed tears of hurt. I know he's someone very sentimental. I know watever choice i make, he will respect my decision.

The Swing Night...

Felt super depress in the afternoon after i woke up from my sleep. Well, got to be the once a month mood swing (PMS). I'm actually looking forward to it as in the thing coming..Got to be nuts right...Its a good sign..but the irritating thing abt it is there is no proper disposal way in the office.. Everytime got problem settling the used pad =( sian..

Had very bad mood swing..dun ask me why..felt super insecured..saw him online, chatted with him a while. Actually wanted to call him but concluded, forget it..dun be so demanding..Sat in my room feeling super grumpy...had steam boat for dinner..didn't realli eat much. After that came back online.. then my mood became worst.. i sat there thinking nonsense..tears just rolled..felt so lousy and lost...

Wanted to call him, but decided prob later...hopefully he will call yah..just called him a few mins ago..he said he will call me back..hopfully (*cross fingers*). I hurt someone by saying something not very nice to the ear. Somethings are realli not meant to be. Though i'm not confident of wat me and sel will turn out to be, i dunno the future and can't predict the future, but at least i feel very comfortable with him. For him and for myself, i've decided to slim down. I dunno how much i can, but i'll try..

I guess the someone is very disappointed and sad. Since things haven realli started, better to remain as frens if he still wants me as a fren. Feeling abit insecure now..i realli hope the call later froom him(Sel) will end in a good note..

Moods Me..

I reckon my feelings, mood, heart out rule my head. After thursday evening incident, i blew up on friday morning. I concluded i cared..cos if i didn't had cared, i won't even blow up with him...Spend a nice evening with him..

Saturday was exciting..Went to Ubin to cycle..Its been a realli long time since i last cycled and i'm not super pro at it lor..The rain in the morning and my parents at home kinda dampen our mood. Plans were made on friday night but had to change due to unforseen circumstances..

He came over to my side. Had Mac breakfast together..The last time we had that was like dunno how many month back before we "broke up" and when he and i were still on vacation mood. Hee..Memories...After that we went over to the fish shop..see some stuffs..then we are off to Ubin..Actually ubin isn't as empty as i thought..rather crowded with young ppl...

Rented a bike, he gave me time to familarise myself with the bike..And later he brought me through those non proper paths..Dunno why..But at those paths, i see rocks and i told myself to avoid it..but somehow or another, i will just go over it..hiahz..then as we were riding toward the OBS, i was in front..i screamed and fell..Well, its not abt the roads being uneven..but rather, i saw a very huge monitor lizard on the floor...So i panic..and i fell..the bike chain came off so he fixed it for me..imagine me alone..i think i will just stand there and cry. =)

After that we went back to the area near the jetty..Had lunch there..i like the sambal kangkong most. Actually all very nice..hee hee..After that we strolled a while..cos eat le..cannot cycle..Both of us so sticky...not romantic at all..somemore the weather is so humid..ha ha...

We went back to the bike shop, the uncle brought us round to some places where can have picnic..hee..travelled those uneven roads again..had to realli concentrate..dunno why..i keep telling myself not to go over those rocks..in the end i still go over them...Then i lost control once..i down hill..but i didn't fall..hee...the chain came out again. Then sel and the uncle not within my side le..so i just walk with the bike lor..my HP also not with me =( then sel came to my rescue..wwhahahah....

The uncle left us then he said wanna recap the route...so we went on our own again..was like 5 pm odd..i told him i wanna take the proper path..actually cos i realli needed lots of concentration on those i non proper path..then since this is the last right, wanted to slow down abit, enjoy the surrounding rather then keep being so stress up with the rocks..hee...

As we were cycling back, the sky got darker..then it became a bit scarry...heee hee...then dunno why, thought i wasn't physically tired, there was this moment of time which my mind just wanted me to throw the bike and stood there to cry..but of cos never lah...else like spoilt kid..Left ubin and back to mainland...

Was kinda early..he was tired and so am i..sticky tired and i get very grouchy in such state..then he was too tired to entertain me also..then i was abit piss lah..wahahah..We went to the airport..actually wanna so swensens..but he lah..so tired..then like abit attitude..then i got pissed..hiahz..go airport sit a while then we left..went back to his place for the fish soup...nice nice..i like..After that, we spend a little bit of time together..Hee..did something kind of interesting, i will say daring..Wanted to always do something more wild rather the the proper way of doing..So this time we did it at the stairs of the flats..ha ha..Wait..*Wat are u guys thinking??* ha ha ...

Took a cab home..hee..then saw him online..chat awhile with him lor...tok abt ang pow money!! His boss gave him 100 bucks...mine only =( then he still dare say his rest of this colleague got 300 bucks lor..then not fair..then me how? much more not fair right =)

Had tennis this morning..suppose to meet jing to swim later..but my parents at suntec say still raining cats and dogs..sian! k lah..i'm going to meet him a while to get things...

To Care or Not To Care...

We didnt't meet today. He said he's meeting his ex colleagues. Well, trust him. He told me that he will tell me where he will be. So confidently said. But till now i haven received the sms yet.

I have been asking myself. To care of not to care. Caring too much might end up hindering his life. Its realli up to him to decide if he wants to reply my sms or pick up my call. Yes, i'm trying hard to give him more free space. But he's my bf afterall. I can't just ignore his life just cos we are not meeting today. Or maybe the meeting with his ex colleagues was just a lie. Maybe he met up with someother gals and had some rendezvous and that was maybe the reason he didn't wanna me know where he is.

Its ironic isn't it. I told myself this after gym..He doesn't even care. Why should i care. I held my phone in my hands throughout my train ride home waiting anxiously for a msg from him. At least i know he's safe and is having his dinner. But that didn't happen. Till now, i'm still waiting..I'm waiting for a call from him. Cos i know if i call him, he won't pick up his phone.. Sad isn't it.

We will be meeting tomorrow. But seriously, i dun feel at all excited. I can see the words coming out from his mouth tomorrow morning.. "I dunno wat time i can leave, might have to work late." Sometimes i realli dun understand or maybe i'm not understanding enough. When i say to meet, he will say dun plan cos he dun wanna disappoint me. Then on that day itself when i say wanna meet for dinner, he will tell me he got some appt or have to work late. I'm always last on his list. Or maybe i'm not understanding at all..can't see the importance of his work..maybe life is just so unfair.

My phone sits right infront of me..i typed the msg, delete the msg..dial his number..but dare not call. I dun want him to be angry or upset. I have given up hope for the night..suit him if he wanna call or sms me. Though i very much will like that to happen. but i have a feeling it won't.

I guess i chose not to care for the night. Hopefully i will follow my words though the soft side of me have the urge of messaging him. Well..i'm going to sleep already..

The Afternoon Zzz Bug!

WAT A BORING DAY! there's nothing much for me to do in the office..so sian reading WML..feeling so sleepy and tired. Got to be the lunch is too filling. Now having the Zzzz attack..Feel like realli drinking teh tarik..but but..the weather outside is so warm..dun feel like walking out to buy..

Having a bit of headache. Could be due to the lack of sleep. Guess tonight gonna sleep early..no activity today. No gym, no him..guess its a back home! I realli need to catch a short nap right now...my eyes can't take it anymore..maybe i should go to the toilet to Zzzz a while..but but..its so warm in the ladies...

Dun like the coffee in the coffee...Mah fan right...well thats me. Feel like going home or going for a swim right now with him..no mood to work at all..Why are all the govt ard? why not all just go off? then i can sleep in peace for a while...*grumbles*

Sunny Sunday..

Sunday was never the same as before..Very happy today. We went to pasir ris fish farm..though was just for a short while, i am equally happy..its the feelings i guess..just to see him is sufficient..Cut pear for him. First time i cut fruits for guys..i dun even bother to peel an apple for my bro. I dun even peel the skin for myself. For him, i skined the pear, made sure it was chilled when he ate it..Hiahz..the power of love.

Anyway, just take each day as in come. Though i hope we will end on a good note, i know i got to prepare for the worst. Maybe living in self denial? Anyway, all good things have to come to an end someday for the better or the worst. For now, i'll just have to enjoy myself. I can only treasure the moments with him.

Came back home, showered and went to Vet house. She's leaving for aust today..WL went also..Her luggage overwieght..ha ha..so she got to take out somethings..sometimes i realli think she's such a lucky gal to everytime get wat she wants..and for me, i can't even get wat i want..i fought so hard for it but yet the end result is still the same.

Came back home, glad to tok to him for a short while before his dinner. Well..waiting for him to call again...Maybe i'm too demandig..but its a realli nice feeling when to hear a dear voice before sleeping telling u all the activities he had done..Well..i'm trying my best to make do without this cos i know sometimes he's realli tired..i guess compromise..

Sweet Honey Sucking Bee..

HoNey never tasted so nice before in my life..It melts in the mouth..so sweet,it tasted wonderful. The fear of poison was all subcummbed by curiosity..the devil took me today. Brought me to the sucking bee.

The sucking bee was too powerful for me..The sweet honey poison injected in me yesterday lies so deep in my blood. The crave, the addiction..i injected myself with the poison again..this time a full blown dosage to kill the curisoity..

The best thing i have ever tasted so far - HoNey. Honey tasting is realli not good for the state of mind..It huants for baby bee in the nest.. Moments where i put the honey into my mouth, the taste lingers. The image vividly replaying in my head.

An empty nutshell...

I'm supposed to be puzzled with issues which i never thought will occur to me at this age. Relationship took a toll on my life. Everything will change tonight. I'm not a good gal anymore..

I sit here right now doing nothing. Not thinking abt wat will happen this evening. If things should come..it will come no matter how much i dun want it to happen. I leave it to my mind of state and my soul to decide for me. I'm tired with the battle in me. I leave it to fate to decide.

All i ask for is to leave me as a happy gal after wat will happen. The wound, the pain to be healed by the powers of ur love. Time ticks away.

Battle of the mind...

The stress level in my head is getting heavier each day..I'm starting to feel the addiction..The devil in me wants more..the angel in me is trying to tell me to stop. I know the more i give, the more i want in return which i do also know he's not willing..is the stake too much? i dunno..i love him so much..have so much feelings for him..All i want is for him to commit fully into the r/s which i know he doesn't..

He didn't message me last night or call to wish good night..well..i was feeling rather disappointed..called his phone but no reply..so in the end i called his house ... its so upsetting when he msg me this morning to say not to call his house again cos i disturbed his family members..well..i called cos i cared..anyway...its painful to give and to realise that the other party never did appreciate...all he's concern is abt his own personal benefits..

Can say i'm stupid..can say i'm dumb..but i'm willing to give all in this r/s though i know he won't at all appreciate..Can say love is blind...The devil is winning in this race..the moment of excitment, the moment of joy...will all this become a beautiful dream? or will it become a nightmare...

Upsy and Downsy 24 hours...

Its almost 24 hours since incident happened...Yest was a very sad V day for me. I was suppose to meet him(sel) but in the end we didn't. I was so upset. I dunno why..but i think i'm getting rather possesive of him. I know he doesn't wants it this way. I think at times he feel stress also.

Heh told me to trust him alittle more and not to doubt every little thing. Its tough..maybe cos of the past and also maybe current issues and issues that are coming requires me to realli trust him. Its a real barrier within me..Was realli happy to spend tues with him. Though it was just a short meeting..i realli did enjoy the sweet little moments that we have..

Like my frens dun understand me..i also dun realli understand myself why i go back to him again when he hurt me once before..reminder from close frens to not to regret..Regret.i'm not sure if i will...guess i will only know when things happen and things dun turn out the way that i desired for..

okie..eyes shutting..nitez!

CNY Saturday..

Hmm...the day started of kinda bad..the post man came to deliver something but i was fast asleep..so missed the delivery..hiahz..sian..after that his sms brighten's up my day...so happy..

The day kinda progress very well..went to dino's place...had a great time..i was like a nanny looking after baby grace..she's so cute...love her so so much...So active till i can't take it..carrying her running away yoshi(the dog)..climb up the stairs and down so many times with her..Carry her to see sparkles..felt so tired looking after her...Didn't had much for dinner..food not very nice..

Played poker and lost alot to the dragon..ha ha..where got ppl get 17 pts..take card and can get 21pts..not once not twice..but so many times!!! 5 card also can hit 21pt..winner le..hiahz..anyway capital not mine..ha ha...

Came home..i think he felt very disappointed after reading my last blog..all i can say is i need the assurance from the main lead. The play was good and i realli did enjoy it. But i need the assurance for me to go on playing my role. Hiahz..dunno will he give me that assurance anot..

CNY Day 3

Today woke up late. Late for lunch appointment..hee...its me lah..so usual of me right..hee..Had Hans for lunch..not too bad..just that dun realli like the ice tea..a little too sweet.

Went to Paya Lebar to wait for loongz to go to vet house..waited for like almost an hour..ha ha..rotted away my afternoon there..Went to Vet house super early...help her with the sandwiches.. etc etc...BBQ time..well..wah..WL very gentleman leh..still very nice like before..but too bad..not my cup of tea anymore..

Today 11 Feb..I did something which i never ever did in my life before..the experience was superb. Thank u.. Before that i never did contemplate..but after that, i'm kinda contemplating if the thing should go on..Wat if something happens one day..Hiahz..

Anyway..in general..i realli had a wonderful evening..thanks!

CNY Day 1

Today is Chinese New Year Day 1...Woke up with him in my mind. Was it cos of the conversation we had on msn yest? At the same time it set me thinking..i promise hmm that i won't do it..then again..i'm not certain abt hmm..

Never realli think abt it the entire time..Was busy eating and playing..Well of coz the standard qn is..u got BF already? time to find one already..later too old no body wants le..Like i dun want to find like that..so diff to find lor...Hmm..tok to me alot abt human package..ha ha...

Anyway..today hong bao collection not very ideal..no many and amt all small small..but was kinda fun playing with Grace..she just went to play sch..i just simply love her..My cousin commented that when she's 23..she get married liao..but here i am..ha ha...then her husband said..23 still act like child...30 then become adult ah..so sad.,..

Today had visitor to my house till very late 12 MN...kinda miss his msn msg...sorry...okie..i'm tired..beddy...i'm coming

Holiday Mood..

Today office realli very empty..I've got things to do but i didn't realli care. I spend half the time toking to him..We plan our date already.. Ha ha...

Kinda so bored in office..i dun know how to do my things and i dun feel like finding out. He's so much more interesting then my work. ha ha..Conversation was very light hearted..Enjoyed toking to him...I dun wanna raise my hope..No expectation no disappointment..Thanks for reminind me..Expectations and hopes are realli low..He's going through a tough time right now...hiahz...

Anyway..i'm not sure if i should show him that much concern..actually not very much also. But slightly more then a fren..abt the same as i show to my good gal frens. Ha ha..Hope he gets well soon...

Tomorrow still have to work half day..but okie lah..Everyone on holiday mood le..time should pass real fast..

Spring Cleaning...

Today worked out the entire day! Went market in the morning and both oranges..went to supermarket in the afternoon to buy drinks..Clean my room..so clean now!!! yeah!!Also cleaned the living room..still got a few more shelves to go...

Have tonnes of clothes still not iron..guess i'll have to forgo my gym tomorrow night already..Have to follow ma ma to market and iron clothes =( So tired le..but toking to him..no matter how tired also become not tired..ha ha.. He's not a very ideal guy to me leh..still finding out more..

okie lah..no time to write here..me chatting with him right now!! ha ha...

Back To The Old Saturdays...

Today as usual, went for my tennis..semms to improved alot from last week. Prob last week off form was caused by my body tiredness..Went to my eye brows at Park Way Jean Yip..Hmm..i think Shu Umera is much better. Maybe next time i try Kose..

Went for sight reading class today. Lots of problem..Cos i'm so used to a fixed 'Do'. Can't seem to shift to a movable 'Do'. Then adding in the hand 'Do Ri Me' became so diff..arrgh...Choir was not too bad..

Went to beer garden for dinner after that. Had fish soup..hee..i like the fish soup there. But that one at Sel's place is much nicer lah..dunno when then got the chance to go back there to eat again leh..ha ha..Came home and saw that 2 guys online. Okie..one just broke up and the other one injure his wrist. Hiahz..Tomorrow he got grading then he injure last night when he let his juniors throw him during their grading. Hopefully he can make it tomorrow and hopefully will recover soon.

After so many months..after so many ups and downs..i'm finally back to my usual routine of sat nights!

Home On Friday Night...

Friday night and i'm home. Wat a life..Anyway, had sinful things for dinner. Had my favourite food..crab..hee..Guess my work out this morning all gone to waste already ha ha..Had a great work out at the gym this morning..Did the usual stuffs which i haven been doing for a long time cos we everytime attend the classes..

We almost went on a date today. But didn't in the end cos he had to return his fren money before CNY. Not good to owe money so he went for his class..Well..i think fated le lor.to wait until the day after V day to meet. mean time we just tok online everyday. Conversation with him is kinda diff from Sel. Maybe is the age. He's young but he's mature for his age in terms of thinking. The activities he takes part in is very diff from Sel. He's not music freak. But he throws ppl..ha ha..

He's learning the wine culture and i'm learning the art of making chinese tea. Worlds apart..He listens to chinese songs and i listen to ang mo songs..ha ha..Everything doesn't seem right yah. Anyway..thanks lynnie for the advices..I know wat to do. Sel, thanks for the encouragement n support. Its kind of ironic isn't it.Anway, i'll take a step at a time. Aferall he already like someone. So its not going to be easy if i go accidentally in love (sherk 2 song). Too dangerous already.

I Can Feel It...

Today we learnt abt each other more. ha ha..kinda intersting. But i found out that he like someone currently but no courage to tell the person..hee..so i encourage him..ha ha..like the person must say right..after all we live once only right..

Went china town after work...go there to get abit of the qi fen..not very super crowded when we went..cos maybe we were early..ha ha..after dinner we went to walk walk abit..i bought a shoe rack to place in my room..too many shoes le..ha ha...Went OG shop shop abit..i didn;'t buy anything..cos nothing nice..hee..save money lor...

We took some pic actually..nice nice..and heh say i tone up le leh...so happy..Okie lah..me toking to the guys now..crapping with them..ha ha...Gym tmr morning =)
hee...so fit hor...Oh I CAN FEEL THE MUSCLE!

So so sad!

I FAT LIAO!!!! why why why?? issit my diet? how come i put on alot of weight?? ARRGH!!! so sad..disappointed..Wats the pt of exercising so much to find myself putting on weight instead of losing it???!!! TELL ME?!?!

Today mood swing again..Hiahz..Hmm today also mood swing. So we didn't realli tok.. Okie..we finalise our date. I'll be meeting him the day after Valentine's Day or the thurs..depending on our work schedule..But i feel that i'm not ready to meet him..I think i'm scared. I dun realli like meeting new ppl face to face alone. Gives me cold feet. Cum i have an impression of him in me already. What happens if the impression i have is too much of an expectation?

Met Daniel and Vet for dinner..Daniel..one year never see him. He's still as shuai. I like his build. But too bad he's ... Hiahz..why shuai ges must walk the "y" path?
Oh..i kinda feel that i;m missing a listening ear. Last time i used to tok to Vet abt the guys i like etc etc. But now after the Sel incident, i dun feel like toking to her abt it anymore. At times i realli feel like asking for opinion etc etc and its kinda sad to realise i got no one to turn to.hiahz..just like today..

Well..Tomorrow will be a better day i hope. Going to china town tomorrow...

Confuse State..

Hmm...The day started happy with a msg from hmm..Its been a year since Sel's issue..Its more or less over though i do still hope at times..Hmm and i tok the entire day on msn like how Sel and i used to tok over msn the entire day..Everything seems so familar again. But to hmm..i was more careful abt myself, more control in my feelings, more tactful and careful with my words, more of every factor to protect myself. I dun wanna fall too fast..Its still a finding out each other stage.

Conversation was so similar to how Sel and I used to msn. The tone of concern and care was so familar. I'm not certain if all guys chat in the same manner. Am i naive or he's really nice? Well, in any case..I told myself again and again not to fall. Not to make the first move..not to show any sign of interest if they should be. I know in myself that if i have the chance to go with Sel, i'll still chose Sel at this pt of time.

Big ma ma visited me today. Had cramp in the late afternoon. Had mood swing..Felt that no one cared for me. Wanted to call Sel for comfort..but decided not to. Then of all times, hmm msn me with all the care i needed at that pt of time. Tried to cheer me up etc etc. Actually this morning he asked to meet. But i was suppose to go shopping with vet so turn down the appt. Was sad when Vet say cannot le cos she has to go send one of our JC fren off to korea..Then cramp..so in the end didn't meet him also..cos he say i must go home and rest..

Well..shall see how things progress yah..but i won't hurt myself again. I'll protect myself even more now. Once is enough to make me lose confidence in falling in love. I dun want to lose the little confidence i have now completely.

Crampy..hate that lingering feeling of pain..i'm going to sleep already. =)

Swing Right..Swing Left...

Early in the morning swing to the bad mood..was grouchy angry piss and sad..wanted to find someone to complain but no one was free..Told PM the thing cannot be done and managed to convince him..

Came back from lunch ...mood swing to the center..wasn't feeling as bad as in the morning..but not in good mood still till till...someone my fren tok to me..entertain me..cos i was too bored le..Chat with Vet online..she confess somethings..was on the phone with Sel for a while..Chat on msn with hmmm...thats why mood kinda lighten up abit..

Left office at 630pm..i went to great world city to attend the beginner step class..cool..i like that class..not too tiring..was fun..after that we tried out alittle of body combat..body combat..very strenous...Hey expert..how long after doing all these exercise then i should consume food ah? cos it seems like no matter how m=uch cardio i do..my weight never drop leh.. is my food routine wrong??

Tmr night i'm going shopping...yeah! saw this top from iora..tmr shall go get it..prob get another skirt also..so gal now..can't stand...bed time...