Thinking.

Seems like i have been really thinking..thinking alot. Its nice going out with him. To have dinner with him..Its more comfortable this way. At least i see that he's happy and i dun expect so much cos at least i know we are no longer together. Frens dun hold hands..dun kiss...so at least when all this are not given ...i dun feel so bad cos i know its no longer right to do all this.

But there is always this fear in me that he will leave one day before i do. Cos afterall he's more capable of finding gals then me finding guys..i dun even bother to find guys..thats the problem..The fear which i dunno i should define it as cos i still hope and still love or i'm scared that the moment he finds someone else..we won't be doing the sports which we engage in anymore. I'm trying rather hard right to change us back to frens..just frens..or buddy i will say without the GF/BF type of love. I think its possible..but it will surely takes time.

But i'm scared..cos i dunno how long i will take plus now we are no longer together as a couple..its only right that he can go out to date other gals and to go out to make more frens. I'm just scared that the time will come faster then expected. I've been through it once before with him...Thus, i will say i'm more wary right now then previously. I try as much not to think about it and to enjoy myself. But no matter wat..the fear will always come back to haunt me in some way or another.

I guess its just human to protect oneself from hurt. Especially i've been through once and i'm even more scared to go through the entire process again. How nice if there is such a thing as to be happy always..and no risk. How nice if i can just enjoy the moments..and yet not fear..