Its killing me..i'm tearing apart.

For once..i'm so so tired with everyone around me. I had a very nice couple of weeks with Sel and my other pals. Everything seems nice and easy going. A few hiccups here and there. But i'm still able to contain.

I woke up this morning feeling very grouchy. For one, i got up and my dad showed me this cuttiing that NUS offering so masters course and asked me to go check it out. I told him right in the face. I'M NOT DOING IT IN NUS. I HATE THAT SCHOOL. full stop and i stormed out of the kitchen. He came telling me that course fee is super cheap. Then i said, i'll make sure i skip all the lesson and get a pefect F grade for u. He got nothing to say.

For second, i got irritated by my mum so badly that i couldn't control and i shouted back at her. I didn't really mean to but she was really on my nerve. She kept asking me about the same old accidental coverage on the plan which i'm thinking of getting. It so haunting. Been telling here so many times already. Till i had enough. Then she said...wat if my fren resign and will be diff to do claims right..and said why not get with Income. Then i replied..wats so good with the god damm old man fren of ours selling the insurance. I think he might leave even before my fren leaves. And won't the situation be the same. Expected..she complained to my dad. So my dad called..

Well..gotten lecture again..not unusual. Then i told him is so irritating to hear the same old question and to reply the same old ans. So my dad said..next time ur mum ask u again..just ignore her and walk away. Then he went yah..she's damm irritating..keep asking the same old question.

I got so pek chek the entire morning...was slamming everything. Came to office in my controlled mood. Heng..WL didn't ask me to werid weird things this morning..I just sat infront of my comp slamming the keys like no one business and i quarrelled with Sel over his indecisiveness about riding that Varadero back.

Then comes the stupid weather..keep on raining on and off..so irritating..Basically i'm tired. I need to sleep. I'm grouchy..so anything that sparks my irritable syndrom will really get a bad time from me..i'm in explodable mood now..

PMS i guess..but i need to sleep. Yes..i'm frustrated that i have a company bbq to attend..cos i dun like bbqing..can't they just go some place to it and settle the entire things..bbq..sian...guess it will be like last year..wait for the guys to cook the food. I'M FAR TOO LAZY...worst case walk out and eat prata.

I need to sleep sleep sleep....

Happy Gal...

Sense that i haven posted for sometime already. Well, time to do some updates about my life. After the episode of down, my life kinda take a turn. Everything seems to be kinda smooth sailing for me right now. Be it at work or my personal life. hee hee..Happy gal i will say i am right now.

All of a sudden when i was bathing just now, i kinda thought of my PC at work. Really nice to have a PC which is relative in speed. At least it doesn't hang like the old one..it isn't that slow as the old one. It works just at a i will say acceptable speed. The happy thing is that at least i won't think i will die of heart attack while working. My ex comp almost blew me into pieces.

Sunday, i had a good game of tennis. Into my new tennis skirt and my new tennis shoes. Well, white white white..everything is kinda white..When i first tried on the tennis skirt in the fitting room and coming out wearing it, i felt kinda uncomfortable. The first question i asked Sel was.."Dun u think is too short" and the replied i got was "No wat...all tennis skirts are like that". Hee hee..i kinda felt i look funnie in that skirt with 2 tennis balls at each side of my skirt. Inverted pockets to put balls..Its like 2 extra piece of thing sticking out. Anyway, sunday tennis game was superb! Hope to have another game like this soon.

Saturday, i started tuition once again with my beloved student. Always the case...near exams then start to ask for tuition. Just nice, i'm feeling a little tight. Hee hee..well even before the money comes in, my first payment is already gone to buy something. Hee hee...But i know the person will really treasure the gift. Month of my pals bdays...money spending time. Luckily i got the advance saving for their bday..else i think need to feed on grass.

Work today ain't that bad. Kinda start to like my project. Seriously, i think the comp plays an impt role in making me enjoy the project more. Bug fixes. Probably i'll need to buy Baygone to kill the spidys and the roachies..ha ha...Kinda feeling abit excited to code a new module..How more crazy can i get?! did i just said...I LIKE THE PROJECT!? my goodnes...hee hee..

Sel managed to close the deal for the motorcycle just before dinner. Whooo...cool bike..i kinda like the design of the bike very much. But too bad, i'm not in to the a pillion cos i too much of a scarry cat. Maybe i'll just try it out in the car park =) ha ha...I still think riding bike is kinda dangerous. Hope he will really becareful while on the road.

Okie..breif update of my life ends here..Happy gal today and hopefully everyday =)

When the world came tumbling down

The weekend started off well till last night somethings happened. My world came tumbling down. I was so badly affected. I cried once again.

The day started of with breakfast then followed by facial. Parkmall with tabks. I'm amused by it. Made our way to ECP to blade. Went all the way down to the sailing center, sat at the break waters and had chips. Night fallen. The roads started to turn dark. I got scared. He was there with me all the while.

We planned for new activities, new events..everything came crashing down when we started toking the night on the phone. I regretted big time everytime i said something. He was happy and i want him to be happy till i said somethings which changed everything that comes along. I was devasted the entire night. I thought back at all the things which we had done. Tears just streamed. As frens, we went through so much so much. I hate to lose him as a fren. Really hate it. Why such things have to happen to me? why?

Yes. I'm easily affected by him. Very easily affected cos i care. I care so much for this fren though i know i will lose him eventually. But yet, the smile on his face, the laughter of his brightens up my day. I dun want things to change. I really really dun want things to change. Yet everytime cos of wat i said, things change and i'm not able to accept the change. I drown in misery.

Yes. I'm afraid. So afraid that we won't be doing things together anymore. I cannot accept. I dunno how long he will take and dun know if he will ever managed to see light once again. I hate the feeling. Really hate. I regretted saying those things to him. But i said it cos i cared. The risks involoved is way to much.. though i know he really really hopes to own it.

All i hope is that he dun lie to me. If he really wanna get it, i will accept the fact and pray for his safety. To gain knowldge about the thing and help him with the choice. I really hate to see both worlds come tumbling down.

When u know its over yet u held on.

Its kind of weird i will say. Or should it be irrational thinking. Seriously, my first time in love made me become such a weakling. I tried to stand up over and over again. Yet i failed and i failed. I adpoted another way to handle it. I thought it was pretty much effective till...

Yes. We have been keeping in contact and we have been going out maybe just a little lesser then previously. Though i let go much of it, i'm still holding on to another part. I pin almost nothing right now but see..its almost, and its not completely. Are humans all so selfish? to just take and not return? I gave more then wat i should i this friendship of ours. Much much more then wat i will give for a good friend. I know many will say its stupid.

What issit that i really seek in him? What issit that makes him so attractive to me? Comparing him with many other guys i know out there, he's just another non established person. So why? I asked myself alot alot of times. I gathered that i didn't wanna let go of him cos i didn't wanna go through the entire process of knowing someone to the extend and to accomodate all the difference and dislikes about the person. It takes alot..alot of time and effort. I worked my way to this stage and i'm really comfortable with him.

I'm much happier then before when we were an item. But some how i'm still stuck in between. Yes, i've been going out with new ppl, new frens. But the thought of knowing a new person all over again. Its tiring. It came to a point that i told myself..if he's yours, it will be eventually. If he's not meant to be, no matter how hard i try to keep him, he will still go. Holding on lesser by lesser each day. I dun know when will i totally let go. Maybe when someone really hits me real hard .. till then..