In a state of confusion

I need to be at ease with myself badly. I'm torn between work and life. I'm too selfish to give up somethings which i know i have to give up in time to come and i can see the time coming. Its approaching fast. I'm way too torn between frenship and jealousy. Its inevitable i guess.

Each time i get busted out right when news comes to me. I know i shouldn't feel that way. But its improving maybe cos i'm knowing more people. Ed was right about somethings. I distance myself from Ed initially cos i know he's married and its not heatlhty for him to be around me all the time when i needed help or a listening ear. Yes. He screams at me, shouts at me, pester me like nobody's business. I know. He meant well.

I stand today at a cross road. To stay put, be filled with jealousy and keep the frenship? or to leave completely till i'm ready to face him as a fren again. Maybe the hurt isn't as great right now as compared to previously. Maybe i'm more prepared. Maybe i seek comfort in some other things. Maybe I opened myself up to the world...to meet new people and to make more frens be it guys and gals. Maybe i realised.. Yes! there are much better guys out there. Maybe letting go totally will be good.. then again, i seem to lack the courage. I'm sitting at the edge of the comfort zone. Falling either side will just hurt. Ouch! but i need to fall this time round.

I'm happy that i'm meeting someone new today. A new fren. Hee..he's my manager's fren actually. Shall call him Josh in here. Pre feelings about meeting him? I will say none apparently..Ma ma asked me..u so daring!!! go out with ppl whom u dun know?! OK! i trust my manager to a certain extend that Josh dun eat gals and that he's a nice person. Was on the phone last night with Josh for a while. Now i see the linkage on why he and my manager are such good frens. Cos apparently to me. They seem to be vocal in the same way with the exception that one is of higher pitch then the other..ha ha...